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2012-01-31T01:13:00.000+08:00

为设么心那么疼。。

2012-01-30T00:29:00.001+08:00

Today.

2012-01-12T02:22:00.002+08:00

So lonely, so scared. Nobody calls anymore.

It's like everyone disappeared but me.

Can't cry hard enough.

So afraid of everything.

How ridiculous can I be? Who's going to believe me anyway?

How can someone change so much in such a short time?

I just want to talk to someone.

Anyone.

2011-12-03T02:48:00.002+08:00

People all have reasons to feel sad, don't they? But I don't. But I feel sad. I want to cry and disappear. No one's here to give me a pat on my back when I've achieved something. I don't have friends anymore. I can't strike up a conversation, I forgot how to make friends. Boys get interested in me and when they realise I'm crazy, they leave. But I am not crazy, or I try not to think I am. I just feel too much and I can't express it.

2011-12-01T01:23:00.004+08:00

First comes the realisation, then the anger follows. Next comes the brutality, and then the tears. Finally, the acceptance because you can't go back in time and wished you hadn't done it all.

2011-11-23T23:39:00.002+08:00

I'm afraid.

Afraid of interviews.

Afraid of going to school.

Afraid of meeting new people.

Afraid of meeting friends.

Afraid of myself.

Afraid of everything.

2011-11-18T01:10:00.001+08:00

My heart right now.

2011-11-15T00:46:00.002+08:00

I am tired of pretending. Look at me, I am a mess. I am everything I said I wouldn't be. I stand at the junction, watching cars fly by and if I took one step forward, everything could end in that instant. People say I'd miss out on so much, that life is too short, that I am so young, that I have so much. Life is too long, I am young but I am old, I have nothing. I wouldn't miss anything about life.

2011-11-02T23:40:00.002+08:00

I am not "emo". "Emo" is not a word to describe a person struggling with depression. Yes, I hide my problems from everyone I know. That's because everyone thinks I can 'snap out of it'. I can't, it's a deeply rooted problem I have no way to escape. I am a disappointment.

I should keep my mouth shut and disappear.

2011-09-27T01:31:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wished people would notice I'm crying. Pat me on the shoulder, flash a big wide smile and say everything's fine.

2011-09-18T22:53:00.003+08:00

S, I sometimes wished you would say things I wanted to hear instead of brushing me aside like a little lost child. Perhaps you were lost in your mighty world of friends and what little we had left didn't matter anymore. I should know better not to live in the past, but the past is what's keeping me alive, it is also what's eating me alive. I know in the back of my mind, I should move past this broken link. I know I am no longer the same. I need help, but where? I wished someone who take me seriously. I wished I knew who I could turn to instead of the blade. I wished I could stop killing myself little by little. But, I can't and I constantly wished morning never came. If I could sleep forever, maybe someone would remember me? But then, you'd never say things I want to hear. I want to die, and maybe you can't be bothered because people are selfish, remember? Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think about what you said, and I think I am better off dead.

2011-08-24T22:13:00.001+08:00

I can't find anyone to talk to, so I sit behind this screen and silently let my tears fall.

2011-08-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

Who kicked a hole in the sky so the heavens would cry over me?

2011-08-20T02:24:00.002+08:00

It'll all be too late.

You'd wished you could save her life,

You threw me aside.

I don't matter.

Nothing matters.

Say goodnight.

2011-08-10T01:16:00.002+08:00

I woke up, sat on my warm bed with this morning's sunshine washed over me. I reached down, grabbed my blade and ran lines over my skin. I watched it break, fill with red and a warm euphoria ran over me. The red fills and overfills, I felt alive, but only for that brief moment. Everything is empty again. I want to go back to the start. I close my eyes, the voices drown everything out. Do you know how it feels? To look at a body and hate everything, to feel trapped and caged in a body you call your own. I don't know why I am here.

2011-08-09T11:52:00.000+08:00

There are so many things I'd like to say to you but I don't know how.

2011-07-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

I'm never good enough.

2011-07-22T01:49:00.002+08:00

I don't like the things you don't say,

Leaving it for such a long long time.

Why do you show me those sad eyes, each time you decide to pass by?

I write letters nobody will read, my head hurts from thinking too much, I want to be delicate and pure. Hide my flaws, hide sad eyes, hide the chaos nobody ever knows.

2011-07-20T23:00:00.002+08:00

The scars I made may fade, but the deal stays the same. Nights drip into each other, each one lonelier than the other. I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe. Sometimes I feel like I'm here, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want to live, mostly I don't. Every breath I draw, is a painful reminder that I am still here. I let the winds tickle my toes, watch the world below me go wild. Push me over, I can't do it myself. How did it turn out this way? People tell me I look tired. I am. Could I sleep forever and let my voice fill up your quiet nights?

2011-07-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

Writing letters nobody will read.

2011-07-20T01:32:00.001+08:00

妳要離開我知道很簡單。

2011-07-19T18:36:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

Sorry for being such a terrible friend. Sometimes I really wonder what made me this way. If you decide to leave, it's okay. Thank you for everything.

2011-06-19T02:36:00.001+08:00

Whenever I miss the past, I come here. But then again, what for?

The leaves stir, winds blow, stars shift and I am still lost. Where do I find myself?

2011-05-18T17:20:00.001+08:00

I am lonely. I am a failure. I can't get good grades, can't get the big jobs. I am ugly and hideous, fat and forgettable.

2011-05-16T20:58:00.002+08:00

What is life? Getting good grades, get married, have kids and slog your life away? You're a failure because your grades are shit, can not get into a good polytechnic or junior college, can not get into a local uni. Can't wear the mortarboard like everyone else. Why are you so stupid? Can't get a good job with a good pay. Everyone looks down on you. What's life? Isn't life just about being happy? How can I be happy when I can't get my grades like my cousins and everyone looks at me with weird stares. How can I be happy when someone asks me what am I doing with my life? I just want to be free. Be myself, be happy. Is happiness and success measured by the amount you earn? Or the certificates you own? Is my life not as important as a scholar's? Why do people only miss the water when it runs dry? Why? Why won't you come look for me? I am lost.

2011-05-04T19:05:00.003+08:00

I am here to pen some thoughts about GE 2011. I am a first time voter. But I know clearly what I want for my future and where this country is heading. I am not a clueless young Singaporean. I am neither rich nor poor. I do know the hardships of life on this tiny island. I cry because I can not do anything to change this. But I can now and I hope all Singaporeans will wake up.

I see the old and frail clearing tables at hawker centres, cleaning filthy toilets, selling packet tissues by the road under the hot sun. I am struggling to make ends meet but not enough to starve to death. What kind of government asks its citizens to go to nursing homes in Johor because they cannot afford medical services here, what kind of government asks its citizens to "repent" for their choice, what kind of government risks citizens' happiness for money, what kind of government creates a country where immigrants topples locals, what kind of government pushes the blame around but refuses to admit their mistakes, what kind of government builds a SGD$1.2 billion man-made river in Bishan park but chooses to ignore the homeless? What kind of country am I living in? Am I supposed to be proud that I am a Singaporean? I am not. And it's sad that we have lost all our national identity.

I fear to see the younger generation struggle with their studies due to the influx of 'foreign talents'. Suicide rates are increasing, you can choose to ignore this but you cannot deny the fact that we have far too many wrongs and PAP had all the chances in the world to right these wrongs but heck, they made mistakes after mistakes. I am not going to risk my future, or the future of my children. I am just a mere citizen of this country, what I really need is a MP that listens, that fights for the rights of a mere citizen, that connects with the locals - young and old. I do not need a million-dollar man sitting in office signing papers at the expense of his people.

Vote wisely.

2011-01-27T18:44:00.002+08:00

One day, you'll wake up and find me gone. Forever, invisible, in a silent breeze. Flood my Facebook, wondering why, why, why. And then you'll ask, I could have talked to you. No, I couldn't, you pushed me away. I have no one, what's the point of going on?

2011-01-26T19:32:00.001+08:00

Life is so fragile.

I am here one moment, and the next I'd be gone.

I'm so tired of being here.

2011-01-02T23:41:00.001+08:00

I often wonder why the people I live with can't say nice things. Oh right, what am I? I forgot, my birth was just a mistake.

2010-12-31T15:59:00.002+08:00

I am sorry but please don't count on me to save your sorry ass. 365 days, yet not one single day you tried hard enough to salvage what's left of you and me. 365 days, I've endless tried my hardest to reach out, tried not to sink yet, you chose to brush my problems aside. Maybe I didn't cut deep enough, maybe I didn't take enough pills. I've gone through much more pain than a love turned sour. Maybe I should have tried harder or maybe when I am finally gone, you'd cry late into the night for chances you took for granted.

2010-12-29T02:32:00.001+08:00

畢竟也只有寂寞肯永遠愛我

2010-12-24T20:44:00.001+08:00

It's raining, raining inside my heart, raining inside my mind, drowning.

I'm drowning. It's noisy. I can't escape from the monsters in my head.

2010-12-20T02:09:00.002+08:00

If you ever need answers, all the time I've been lying to everyone and never quite honest with myself.

Go here and here and here.

If you read through the whole archive of the first link, every picture and quote is how I feel.

2010-12-18T05:15:00.000+08:00

Well, I just sometimes want to die.

2010-12-15T02:13:00.003+08:00

What's the point of 'blogging' when all it does is make me feel more alone? It's totally pointless because nobody reads it. Or maybe when I've finally succeeded in suicide, "friends" will start pouring over this pointless blog and wonder why. Why? Why, because no one ever cared enough.

2010-12-10T03:15:00.002+08:00

There are nights I spent trying to fill a void, I am trying to escape. From what, I don't know. I am so ashamed of my existence, I am a disappointment. I am trying to hold on to the last memories I have of a childhood, one where I was happy to have a dollar more for recess, I remember craning my neck to see the colorful nicknacks on the counter. I remember feeling out of this world when my mother came by to see me during recess. I remember Sunday mornings filled with hotcakes and hash browns, and runny soft-boiled eggs. I remember fresh coffee. I remember holding my mother's hand.

But that's all gone now. We've grown up, expected to be fine and successful. I am neither here nor there, hanging on a thin string between then and now. Poised enough to hold it all in, when bright turns to dark, before bright robs people of their sleep, I close my door. And like a well rehearsed play, I crumble. I am hideous.

But again, nobody bothers, who cares? Who the fuck cares?

2010-12-06T19:56:00.002+08:00

如果我們能回到過去，你會對我說什麼？

很久，很久以前，我很快樂。

這一切都不一樣了。

我們都是泡沫輕輕一碰就破。

2010-01-10T14:20:00.001+08:00

Ultima ratio

Baby, raise the glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends.

2010-01-05T09:29:00.002+08:00

You just need friends who wont ever judge you. So why should I care so much for those who are there because they want you? If you can't handle me at my worst, you bloody hell don't deserve me at my best.

I am moving out of blogspot.

2010-01-01T20:39:00.000+08:00

2010, please be lovely.

2009-12-26T17:34:00.001+08:00

Somedays, I just wished I could protect my friends as much as I can.

2009-12-24T21:24:00.002+08:00

What would you do if you miss someone and wants to see that person so badly but that person is no longer here?

2009-12-21T13:36:00.001+08:00

There is no way someone can get so thin and tell you they do not have an eating disorder. I've been there, I know. Damn those skinny assholes.

2009-12-20T05:26:00.000+08:00

Actually, I know that there are people who care about me. It's a cycle I can't explain, I don't really know what caused it and it has been so long she lives beside me. I let known a secret I hold so dearly today. Ran out of pills but I think that's okay. It gives Emergency one less place to go. I hate the number on the scale, I hate the her who's in the mirror, I hate how you can pretend nothing went on between us, I hate how you expect me to be okay and be friends with you again.

2009-12-17T16:05:00.003+08:00

I want to count circles on my back again, make it bad so my period stops again. So people would care and ask me how I was feeling. I'd lie and say I'm good but get so scared when I am all alone, when I combed my hair and it fell out in clumps. They will tell me they are worried because my bones were sticking out everywhere. And now, for my health, my bones have gone into hiding but these very people get nasty and school is no kinder. It's driving me mad and its scary that I'm not conscious about it. I would, I could. So, how much do you really know about me? Some days, I get so tired, so annoyed I just want to stay in bed. When friends ask about my cuts, I lie because I dont really know how to tell anyone. I am afraid of their mockery.

Someday, it'll all be over.

2009-12-09T11:12:00.003+08:00

Do you know what an ED is? Did you have any idea one year back I was ripping myself inside and out because of ED? One year later, I've progressed and now I am desperately trying to lose what I've gained. I am so sick and tired of hiding.

2009-11-29T11:44:00.001+08:00

Can you teach me how to go about forgetting someone because I seriously need to move on.

2009-11-25T13:10:00.003+08:00

I overdosed on pills yesterday. I went to bed listening to my heartbeat in my ears, I could feel it through my skin, my temples throbbing. I was afraid I wouldn't wake to see sunrise.

2009-11-23T14:51:00.001+08:00

"I can't be myself

The mirror tells

Lies and says I'm ugly

Am I really here?

I cut my skin

It takes a knife to find me

I can't make me feel

So now I have to bleed"

Skeletons in my closet. People can be so cruel with their blunt comments. They don't know how hard I am trying to keep my skeletons hidden.

2009-11-14T12:29:00.000+08:00

Im so stressed out I think I'm gonna die. I just want to get my things done and sleep. But no matter how hard I try, it seems like my work will never ever finish. So disappointed.

2009-11-07T14:39:00.000+08:00

I miss you. I always wonder what us meant to you.

2009-11-04T15:44:00.002+08:00

I think there is something seriously wrong with the school's modules. If not, there wouldnt so many of us missing lessons to complete this shit and that shit or even sleeping through the day because subconsciously we want to escape. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I am just seriously tired la. GOT WRONG MEH? I am not sick, I dont go to school cause LIMBU AI KOON LA. I just used singlish. Sui la, ho seh liao.

2009-10-26T23:09:00.003+08:00

Why are you ignoring me?

What do you do when the person you can count on has disappeared?

2009-10-11T11:43:00.001+08:00

2009-09-25T12:21:00.002+08:00

So many pair of eyes, yet failed to see.

Need I wake up my dream?

I really don't know what I want to do in life.

2009-09-17T12:31:00.002+08:00

Omg, I missed school and I feel like a total failure. How could I have ever fallen asleep? I woke up and my still life drawing was staring straight back at me; incomplete. Omgomgomg, need to get a grip.

2009-09-11T15:53:00.000+08:00

School is driving me crazzzzzzy. Omg, and it's making me fat.

2009-08-21T12:08:00.002+08:00

Grey matters: Who am I?

I am a girl, I have no name, I have no identity, I am an empty canvas, I have no self esteem, I hate myself, I play hide and seek, I am lonely. I felt naked.

Grey matters made us pull skeletons out of our cupboards. This was counseling, not class. It was evil. Grey matters. So, who are you?

2009-08-04T21:14:00.004+08:00

Can I pull through? Am I strong enough? Please help me, call me out when you're free. I feel like I'm about to die. So alone in a strange place. Putting up a strong front, rushing to get through. When the sky is dark and everything ends, I am scared. No one to hold my hand, no one to laugh along with me. I was excited, now I'm scared.

Please breathe, hard and slow.

2009-07-12T17:28:00.001+08:00

How come you're on my mind once again?

Being judged; ridiculed. How much pain can one take?

2009-06-28T12:17:00.002+08:00

Why are humans so complicated? Should I move on or stay put and wait? After living through M.J's legend, this is what stark naked loneliness looks like. May God bless you. You are not alone.

2009-06-11T21:37:00.002+08:00

终有一天会有人，一个懂你的人，让你从此不心疼。
I chose to believe.

2009-05-15T09:04:00.002+08:00

Does being friends for years give you the passport to barge around my heart and demand to know everything? No, it doesn't. Don't assume, don't judge. I'm going to revisit my plan about the privatization of this blog. I am dishearten, and utterly disappointed.

2009-05-10T13:13:00.002+08:00

My heart was like this morning's early downpour. Heavy, solemn and low. Love seemed to have lost weight. Every sms exchanged, every word I'm typing are tearful. I'm missing my love so so much. I cannot imagine not being able to call him to meet up when I'm sad and lonely. Please tell me one year will fly by. Please keep my love in your prayers.

God must have really loved me, for giving me such a wonderful and precious friend. For allowing me to come to know his lovely family and for their extended care for me. Oh Love, I've said it so many times but please please stay safe. And I really really love you. For now, our tears will accompany each other into the far away land.

2009-05-01T16:07:00.002+08:00

Like I'm just a useless name on someone's phonebook. A bad friend, a horrible sister, an unwanted daughter. Worst of all, I don't know how to ease a friend's heartache because I'm trying so hard to keep afloat in my sea of worries. I've been a bad friend, so if you wanna leave, please go. I genuinely pray for the heartache to ease and all I want is to get through today.

2009-04-25T00:49:00.001+08:00

I'm very fine. Don't fuss over me, I hate it.

2009-04-21T21:37:00.002+08:00

When is a cut too deep? Shouldn't have, shouldn't have. But I did it anyway.

2009-04-16T18:49:00.003+08:00

Why are there feelings of sadness? Why am I afraid of myself? Why is a happy song making me cry? Why can't I stop these tears? Why do they keep coming? Please ask these demons to go away. I chased them, buried them and block them out. Why are the people I can open my heart to gone? Why can't I suppress these feelings like before?

I don't like this empty home. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like this big, bad world. What is help's number? Please tell me, tell me I'll be able to fight myself. I feel like I can't do it anymore...

2009-04-10T14:11:00.001+08:00

Please dont push me over the edge. Come find me..

2009-02-22T16:23:00.004+08:00

And, I realised the love of family. The power of communication, the silent reassurance. I realised the ones who never gave up on me, I realised I, indeed, do have someone.

2008-12-31T12:17:00.002+08:00

Those simple words hit so hard. They turned my whole world upside down. You caught me completely off guard. I know I made a few mistakes. But my mistakes were yours to begin with. My tears will set the pillows on fire, I'm crumbling inside. I thought I had it, guessed I was really, really wrong.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year, faced with new challenges and whole new faces. I need a change of mask. Will the people I know be there next year? Really, all I need is for you to be quiet and listen to me cry. But pride's standing its ground and not giving up without a fight. Dont know what I'm saying? That's fine, I'm still strong and if I call you in the ghostly hours of a long windy night, please pick up.

Ohana means family and family means love. Do I really own that? Cheers to health, 2009 and a very battered me. To those with love, congrats. To those without, come into my arms, I'll shelter you from all storms.

2008-12-16T11:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder what kind of man my father was. But I'll never ask cause I figured it would still hurt and I'm a living memory of what he left behind. A harden burden my mother would never speak of yet so unknowingly pained me for my whole living life.

And then I wonder, who really understands what I've been going through. It's a constant struggle every single day. Christmas is coming, spread the love and please leave some for me.

2008-11-29T11:28:00.003+08:00

Guess we're all changing. Subconsciously losing one another. Remember the times when we said to each other, we will still be friends some 10 years later, be the bridesmaid at each other's wedding. But I supposed, it was all to early to speak. Now, 10 years later, beside me are friends I barely knew yet so ardently supportive of your depressive episodes. Never once sneered, or made empty promises, but I wouldnt know, would I?

We say that time proves everything. I guess this old saying is disgustingly true. Let's see how time goes, perhaps another 10 years down, I would be nursing the same wound. Thinking about all that would have been and could have been, where the friends we grew so close to went and how could they have left so cruelly and abruptly.

Or possibly, I was the selfish one, drowning in all my perfect tomorrows.

2008-10-28T10:40:00.009+08:00

270 minutes.

脚步慢了，天亮了，我的心空了

不是有人陪就不寂寞了
怀念的也不再了，如果消失了，心会不会快乐
我,真的累了
好累，真的好累。

2008-10-20T13:48:00.007+08:00

After this; I'll put my myself to bed, with my heart in the soil, ears under dust, eyes sewn up, lips in the sink. If God is lenient, He'll wake me up; a whole new person with a whole new heart. He'll take away my memories and give me blank pages to write beautifully.

I'd have never known you, and your unkindly betrayal. I'd have never known evil or the ugly you packed nicely in a box mailed to my block. And like how Fall Out Boy likes it, Thks Fr Th Mmrs.

While I'm cracking artistically under the pressure, I haven't lost my head. In the near future, when you see me, don't say hi to me.

2008-09-04T20:56:00.002+08:00

One step forward, three steps back.
While all of you are busy in love, dont forget those you leaned upon when love left.

2008-07-31T20:47:00.000+08:00

Where has everybody gone?

2008-07-10T22:53:00.002+08:00

I sent Love off today. Thank the heavens I could make it in time. You can never imagine how thankful I am. I hope everything's fine and God will keep him safe. I'm missing him already. I didnt mean to cry, nor did I expect myself to and I'm still trying to pick up the scattered emotions after 5 hours.

I didnt expect this 'trip' to be so emotional. Because two weeks later, he'll be booking out. But, omg, I cannot stop tearing. I lub euu berri berri deeep, Love. :)

And, Koko, you'll be in my prayers every night.

Till then, I'll be fine; soon.

2008-07-03T15:04:00.010+08:00

Just in case you didnt know what courtesy meant, it starts with a 'please' and ends with a 'thank you'. Oh, sorry. I forgot, your education never taught you those words. Oh, and just so you know, you are god damn asking a favour from me, I'll do it at MY convenience, not yours.

I wished you would just disappear, or get out of this house. Or even better, get out of my life and leave me alone.

-

I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out, I want to move out.

But, I've got no money. And I'm going crazy. I've never once stopped wishing that I would disappear one day, become someone else or not exist at all.

I just need 5 minutes of attention, for a hug and a kiss goodbye.

2008-06-01T13:09:00.023+08:00

I bumped into my lovely girlfriend yesterday at work, and hello, you never update also. <33

We met sometime back in 2007, randomly hung out, club and become the best of all friends. Went for movies, hung out around streets, crashed each others' place, get drunk and dream of a better tomorrow.

Now;
We dont hang out together anymore,
We dont go for movies together anymore,
We dont sing of blues anymore,
We dont club together anymore,
We dont walk around aimlessly anymore,
We dont share late nights together anymore.

But, I know you'll be in my heart and mind forever, each second of everyday till the day this world has no more room for me and sometime when my hair has all turned gray, I would smile and say, you guys made my life worthwhile.

If God had a name, what would it be, would you call it to his face? What would you ask him if you had just one question? If He had a face, what would it look like? What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home, back up to heaven all alone. What if God was one of us?

I'm having too much time on my hands, I went to work with swollen eyes. A bunch of lyrics to keep me thinking and thinking. Of answers I'd never find, because I just need to believe. So, what if God was one of us, what would you ask him if you had just one question?

2008-05-19T21:47:00.002+08:00

I was running through my memories, I was wondering about us. The four of us that we used to be. I was thinking about the times when we'd meet randomly, almost daily. Hanging out till the morning after, emo-ing and singing at the top of our voices, hugging each other's silence. Just us, the four of us. I wondered if any of you cared, remembered and wished. I secretly wished I could have those moments again, go back, have fun and just be very happy and content with life again. Do you? Do they? Or are we all already just too busy? Time cant rewind and everything has changed, it will never be the same. So where can I go when I'm lonely? Where can I go? Who can I sing with at the top of my lungs late at night, in front of esplanade going crazy? It seems like I've been hugging my own silence now. How about you? Do you remember me? Or have you already chucked me aside?

2008-05-09T20:14:00.001+08:00

OMG MAN! WHAT THE FUCK. Is this mother and daughter or sister and sister?! Click on image to enlarge it, I swear it's well worth it.

2008-04-28T20:26:00.002+08:00

I am so tired, I cant think. So, all I can do is, wake up, bathe, make up, work, stone, home. My brain only functions like that now. It doesnt help that I'm really short tempered lately. I cant put into words how tired I am.

Some people hit the right notes, some go wrong all the time. How much difference life makes, so who do I turn to when I'm plagued by problems and my heart is sulking when everyone comes to me with theirs? I'm troubled, I've really and officially lost myself. Please try to find me when I'm lost.

2008-04-23T22:27:00.002+08:00

Where can I go, if I were to run away from home,
when my heart is empty and the soul is cold.

2008-04-19T22:31:00.003+08:00

I lost my Ipod Touch today. I named her LillyBell. She's gone, together with my yellow duckie pouch which was her home. If you didnt know, the pouch was very important to me. I dont care about the Ipod now, I just want my pouch back. Which would require the power of God to do so. I am ****** sad now, so tonight, please keep me in your prayers that I will not jump off this building that I live in. Someone must be doing voodoo on me. I curse that person who took LillyBell to be struck by lightning and cannot sleep for years because guilt is falling. I dont mean anything for the first part.

SIAN 1/2 X 1 TRILLION.

2008-04-17T09:13:00.002+08:00

I miss a lot of people, I miss all the things we used to do, I miss the person I used to be. I wonder if any these people missed me too? I feel like I'm running on the same spot, with no doors to open. Love is not about blaming, not about sarcasm. A lot of times, I feel like I've been thrown back to square one. How many times have you cried and wished someone would be there, how many time have you told yourself - it's okay, I'm alone, I'll be fine?

Just the other day, I had a short walk with my granny. I realised how much I've missed out, how insensitive I've been. But I know, she still cares cause she loves. I've been trying to do my best, I'm not the average teenager whose life is about finding someone to fall head over heels with. So, how much do you actually know about me before even trying to judge me? All I wanted to ask for was a little more innocence. Sometimes, I really wished I could be like the rest of them. Where can I reach out for when I need a helping hand? Blank.

2008-04-04T11:59:00.000+08:00

I am looking for..

We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

2008-03-25T22:31:00.005+08:00

Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you.

And I wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking of me too.
I wonder if you know I'm there,

cause I'm dreaming of you tonight.

2008-03-21T10:44:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking alot for the past few nights, during work, after work, before class, before bed time. I've actually been staring at my phone for the longest time. I think it's unfair, but somehow, I just feel so alone. And everything about "I'll be there when you need me". Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you'll find a friend at the most unexpected places.

What if I told you, I want to own you, how? I'm starting to feel I keep meeting the wrong guy, I'm starting to feel I should stop and perhaps look elsewhere. Or maybe just close the door. It's those days when you've to put up fake smiles when your heart's in a turmoil and your mind isnt there. Tell me, how? I've got 9 hours of customer service later, how? I made a huge mistake yesterday, and got alot of people involved, I feel horrible, I want you to comfort me, how? I'm selfish, you confuse me, I dont know where to go, I feel lost because you're gone, again. So, sue me. I should have never allowed myself to fall in love, I was about to get ready to tell the world "Tell love to come get me, now". I'll be blogging somewhere else and it starts from here.

I JUST FEEL DAMN FUCKING LOUSY.

2008-03-18T01:56:00.002+08:00

Get drunk, start puking, dance like a prostitute in training, dress scantily. You know you cant walk straight but you're sober with a splitting head. It's 3am, you use all your remaining consciousness to scroll through your phone book and yet, not knowing who to call. Who could have bothered, on a lazy Saturday morning, dead to the world. Barely known acquaintances takes care of you, you remain concussed till the morning after and I'm amazed at how much this world runs on gratitude. But actually, I wanted to, and wished.. Guess it's okay, I'll stop wishing, maybe it would numb it a little.

Do you remember when life was so much simpler? When movies were $5.50, bus rides cost 45 cents, 10 cents ice pops, and neoprint machines had only selected designs. How much life has changed, come to think of it, life hasnt been hard. All I did was to drag myself into an endless cycle of diets, self image, money and the glitz & glamour of rich and famous. Then, nothing beats receiving flowers, some hugs, kisses and a handwritten note at the end of a very long and tired day. How has life been for you? We forget too often, just please dont forget me. There's alot I've been wanting to say but then again, who am I going to say all these to?

They're busy, so I guess I'd still find me.

2008-03-13T18:49:00.002+08:00

I think its funny how life turns out, every little thing moulds and shapes us. Things we see, what we experienced. Through life and death, laughters and tears. I am just trying to shamelessly protect myself. We create memories in cynical haze, the good things never last. But we're still so desperately looking for 'forever' in this city that's ever changing. People pass you by, memories fade. Friends come, lovers leave. We stress our butts off for lavish nothings. And when you feel its time for a break, call me, we'll go for coffee. :)

The basin's overflowing, stop the pouring. I've had enough of feeling gloomy.

2008-03-12T19:40:00.003+08:00

This is what I do when I'm bored. So please, STOP RAINING!

2008-02-29T12:00:00.003+08:00

Happy Leap Year and Happy 19th to gf, GSF!

In a blink, I'll be 19 too. I haven't done much, or achieved anything. I wonder what's my purpose of life, I dont know where to turn, which road to take. It's like an annual thing that everyone thinks of every time they turn a year older, dont you?

I dont know, half full or half empty. I enjoy cryptography. Something will consume me if I let it get out of hand, I'm a naturally half empty girl. At the end of the day, I guess all I'm afraid of is losing the ability to trust and the friends I've made.

2008-02-21T23:11:00.002+08:00

Here's a little trivia,

I enjoy mundane things like catching a movie over coffee time attached with serious talks. I enjoy the silence between long strolls, just stop at asking what's on my mind because there's nothing, really. I enjoy seeing my shadow isnt alone under the big sunshine. I enjoy window shopping while complaining I wanna get this and that but I'm broke. I enjoy dozing off while you drive, waking to the smile on your face.

I dont believe in relationships anymore, I know at the end of the day, I am still alone. I know I've been unfair, making you give while I take. I feel bad, because I am nothing to you. What I want, is not what you want and what you want, is what I cant give. Maybe our stands in life are different. Either I wallow in misery and see another fill the passenger seat or try to make you see it my way, the latter deem selfish. Sometimes, I think I care too much for others, maybe I grew up too fast for my own good.

I would catch a bad movie on a good day, vice versa. Now, you get what I'm trying to paint?

请你们不要把快乐建立在别人的痛苦上，and please, I think it's time to grow up.

2008-02-19T22:38:00.002+08:00

Every now and then, at some point in life, you take on a different persona. Who is it this time? My mind draws a blank, I wished I was still the same wonderfully happy little person. Life is a big, big mystery. You cant find it once you've lost it. There are somethings in life you cant erase and it still affects you to this day. If you understand what I'm saying, put your hands up.

我知道这样不应该在他身上找依赖。

2008-02-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

This song makes me sad. I guess what I've thought through doesnt matter anymore. I'd keep everything, like how I did before. 想说，其实那天已经决定把心交给你。也许我已经跑不上，错过了。I dont know if all these are important anymore, there are alot of things I know and "I dont know" is just the easy way out and I know time waits for no man. There are alot of things I've been hiding, alot of emotions I foolishly thought I've eliminated, alot of feelings I refused to face, because I would be crying, like now and have no one around me. You can take it like you've never known me, or seek the answers you wanted to know, or simply just turn a deaf ear to what I've said. All these months, there wasnt 'someone else' and you're not just 'another person'. You tell me, if this is pointless. I'm a complex person, being selfish and demanding, masking everything with a facade so beautiful. I dont know who am I being strong for, I guess I'll stop here. I'm putting everything down now, you could ask me to leave, or stay. You could give me a ring, drop me an sms, send me an email, write me a letter, anything that makes you comfortable.

I had a long day at work on Saturday, my thoughts ran like a mad bull. I'm all geared and ready, but today, I dont know what to do. It's your call, if you had asked, I believe I would say yes. You tell me, is this pointless? Was I just an hour or so too late?

Love, where are you, I need a hug badly.

终究还是一个人。

2008-02-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

有很多话没说，也曾在灰暗的深夜为你流泪。
也许你忘了所有的厮守承诺，
突然很渴望在你身上找到我要的靠岸。
我想，就这样算了吧。

2008-02-03T05:42:00.000+08:00

Sweeney Todd is a sick-ass show.

I cleared my cell phone's inbox on my way home. Sometimes, I think too much for my own good. It's 05:45 AM, the house is cold and quiet, I'm still wide awake. I'm still trying my hardest to figure myself out. We're still humans after all, so I guess, when you are ready to leave, let me know some way or another. Please dont go disappearing, I would shatter the third time round.

I'm not a good person, I'm sorry if I've let you down, I'm sorry if I've ignored you. Sometimes, I scare myself. All too often, I dont wanna be myself. I guess what I need I'll have to look somewhere else, its too much to ask cause after all, who am I to you?

Happy CNY, I hope Jayden's doing fine.

你要离开我知道很简单。晚安，亲爱的，你怎么不在我身傍。

2008-01-19T23:01:00.000+08:00

Fuck you and your horrendous looking boyfriend. So much for being a guy, I kinda think you have a pussy down there. I dont like ugly people with equally horrifying attitudes. And dont you ever think money can get you anywhere, and do what you like. Your father doesnt own this world, and you are not the only living being here. I really wonder if his teeth sticks out too much till he cant use his brains to think. Yes, I know I might be too hot headed to raise my voice, but judging your work attitude from hearsays, I'm justified and I rest my case.

I've never once stop wondering what she sees in him, he's ugly, he's lazy, he's bucktoothed, he's short and everything not. But wait, he's RICH! Love is blind, love is for the ugly, uglier and ugliest. I am ugly, where is my love? May hell be with the both of you, and money blind your hearts and eyes so you'd trip and fall till you cant get up at all.

I am so fucking evil and I cant wait to see Jayden and mummy!

I am an ugly girl and my attitude makes me uglier, so I guess that is why boys treat girls like me like exhibition pieces. You look, you pick and choose and silently ask for a 14 days free trial. You disappear, you lie, and finally treat me like a stranger. As how a friend would put it, it's so heartbreaking. Because all along, I only treated us as good friends. I supposed you thought otherwise and backed off. One lie snowballed and you realised you cant handle the double life anymore. Sometimes, I really miss the days when we were all together. But I know, all these means nothing to you. Fame is everything.

I miss Emil Cecil Ess, it's worrying hearing what had happened.

2008-01-10T00:20:00.000+08:00

我不是个机器人，亲爱的，我也会哭。

I miss Little One, I miss how the time stops when I look at him, I miss how peaceful it is around him. Sometimes, when I look at them, somehow I'd still believe love exists.

There's alot stressing me out lately, I would sit somewhere and watch the world go by and feel so alone all at the same time. Sometimes, I wished work was always with Babe. My heart aches, can you please give me a hug and cry with me?

My new toy.

很多时候觉得你对我忽冷忽热，害怕所已我退缩。
很多事情我没说，我们都是最好的朋友，谁会有勇气说出口？